I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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