M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
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shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
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I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.