1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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