if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.