2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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