By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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