i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
