If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
