I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
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Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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