you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
