Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
