Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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