I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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