I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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