Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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