Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
