My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
