can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
