look no pants
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
