and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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