the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
