remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
