Who wears a wallet chain?!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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