i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Randomize
