i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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