I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
