my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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