Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My Sexting was not on an AP level
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
