I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
