turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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