I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she smelled like a LAN party
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
