whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
