You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
