It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
