Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize