yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
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More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
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i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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