I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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