Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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