I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
