Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
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Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.