We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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