Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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