I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
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I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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