Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
