I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
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So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK