I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets