Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?