i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
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No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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