Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
