so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
