I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
