You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
