There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I am naked and annoyed.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize